Your Onboarding is a Window Into Your Company’s Soul
The cursor blinks. It’s the only thing happening. A steady, rhythmic pulse of nothing on a screen that promises everything: ‘Login to Your Future.’ My future, apparently, is a forgotten password for a system I’ve never used. The temporary password, emailed 4 days ago, expired 14 hours before my start time. This is Day Three.
The hum from the server room down the hall is a constant, low-grade reminder of a world that is working. Somewhere in that cooled, organized space, data is flowing. But here, in this beige cubicle with a chair that sinks an extra inch every 4 minutes, the only thing flowing is stale air from a vent directly overhead.
The Corporate Story
They call it onboarding. It’s more like being marooned. For the first two days, I sat through 14 pre-recorded modules on ‘Our Core Synergies’ and ‘Embracing a Disruptive Mindset.’ A man with impossibly white teeth told me I was part of a family. Yet, I don’t know who to ask for a new password. The HR contact, Brenda, is in a week-long offsite. Her automated reply suggested I consult the employee handbook, a 234-page PDF I can’t access because it’s on the company intranet.
This isn’t just inefficient; it’s a profound act of corporate storytelling. The story it tells is that the company’s map of itself is more important than the employee’s actual journey. It’s a company that values the appearance of process over the
